I wanted to want to

I sat down to blog today and I thought to myself, who will read this? Maybe one person, maybe two, maybe twenty – then I thought about the limitless number of people who could read this.  That’s exactly where my head went, to the limitless!  That really excited me because I have spent the last several months trying to think in limitless terms. Of course it really doesn’t matter how many people read this, it will get where it needs to go.

I used to live in the realm of lack, worry and dread – but since I made the choice to see things differently I can now honestly say that life is good and it just keeps getting better.  Yes, I said choice because it is just that, a choice.  I didn’t say it was easy but it does get easier and easier as the days go by.  I used to think that I just couldn’t help it, things came up and I had to worry about them.  NOT TRUE!  Of course I heard things like “worrying doesn’t help the situation!”  That statement did not make me decide to change my thoughts about worrying, but when I realized that not only does worrying not help, it’s HURTS ME.  Yes, it was doing all sorts of crazy things to my body, not the least of which was being in intolerable pain.  I WANTED TO STOP HURTING so badly.  I was tired of the way I felt, the fact that I couldn’t do all I wanted to do because of pain.  That’s when I made the decision to change my attitude.  Sometimes I didn’t want to do what I needed to do to change, but I always wanted to want to and I think that was the key.  You have to want to want to, even just a little bit.  That’s the first step.  Now understand –  I was the “queen” of worry, well, maybe not the queen, but certainly the princess.  AND not only did I worry, I “lived” in my thoughts about my pain.  How could I not?  I hurt all the time.

So, I decided that since I had already tried just about everything medical science had to offer I would have to change my attitude, my thoughts and my beliefs.  This went against everything I had believed in for many many years.  When I hear people say (and they have),” well, you can do that but I can’t” –  BULLLONY! If I can, anyone can.  I would have tried standing on my head three times a day for 20 minutes a time if someone told me that’s what I needed to do to feel better.  So, it began for me with making the decision.  Next step, stop worrying and thinking about my pain.  How to do that????  I didn’t think it would be so tough at first.  I decided to go a whole hour without worrying about “stuff” and without just thinking about how bad I felt.  I think I went about 25 seconds, what a shock!  I tried again, 22 seconds, again, 30 seconds.  It went like this day after day but eventually it became interesting to see how quickly I could catch myself and then make the effort to change my thought.  I wish I could say exactly how many days, weeks or months it took, but I don’t know.  I only know that one day I no longer lived in that realm any longer.

I just read this over and it sounded so simplistic, believe me it wasn’t.  Much more went into it, much much more.  The most important thing I did was to start to follow a spiritual path that would bring me health, abundance, joy and mostly – love of myself and by extension, love of humankind.  That, of course, is a life process that will never end.  That’s the beauty of it.  I have found that the more I seek, the more I see that there is to seek.  I have a greater awareness of my source, God, than I’ve ever had in my life. God’s grace has brought me to a place of feeling good again.  God’s will for me far extends anything I can imagine, it is limitless!  I now know that I can never be separate from God.  God’s love is boundless.  God is Love, and therefore can only love me.  If that’s true, and I believe it is, then who am I to think less of myself than God does?  I have been learning to love myself by just thinking about that.

Well, that’s the beginning, there has been so much more, and the exciting thing is – that there is so much more to come.  Love you all!

Ellen

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1 Comment

  1. Chris

     /  February 24, 2010

    I agree alot of life is what you make of it.

    Reply

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